Hunting Jokes

Deer Hunting Jokes:


A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"  to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The Professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.


WHAT DO DEER THINK?

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one that killed my brother?' "

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.' "

The interview ended at that point.


The Difference Between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!


Alabama Deer Hunting Joke

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'


Pheasant Hunting Jokes:


The Pheasant Hunting Suprise

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load my pheasant hunting gear into the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.  There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out pheasant hunting in that crap?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped hunting.


Turkey Hunting Jokes


 

Sven and Olie go Turkey Hunting

Sven and Olie are out in their turkey blind and a huge gobbler struts by.  Sven raises his shotgun to blast the bird and Olie says "Don't bother, you forgot to load your gun"  Sven Replies "I don't have time to load my gun, if I wait any longer the turkey will be gone".


Turkey Hunting Joke

 

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? "Quack! Quack! Quack!"


Other Funny Jokes For Hunters


A Wisconsin winter statistic

98% OF AMERICANS SAY "OH S***" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM WISCONSIN AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."


Redneck Special Forces

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

Red Neck Freedom FighterThese boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt .

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday


Shopping at Cabelas

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50." 


 The Difference Between A Hunter and Fisherman-

Do you know the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.  


 Hunting Dog Joke

What do you call a smart blonde?     A golden retriever.


 Sven and Ole Fishing Joke- 

(Ok, so it's not a hunting Joke but it is still pretty funny)

Ole and Sven are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Sven says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.' Ole sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over...women like that are hard to find.'